On this day 10 years ago, I’ve lost the most important person in my life.

My father was my first love, my hero, my idol. Everything I am today is because of him. Unforgetful are the ways of how he told stories, an adventurous soul. The immense patience & kindness he had. The unconditional love & support he poured into all of us. He came second to none.

I loved him more than anything in the world, but during the last years of his life, I failed to show him my appreciation. I was going through my rebellious teenager phase and often didn’t return home for days, rarely letting my parents know about my whereabouts. When my dad passed, I just happened to move out of my parents’ house to live my own life, and I hadn’t talked to him or anyone of my family in over a week.

His death came unexpected, leaving us all in shock. One day he was helping me to move, the next time I saw him he was on a hospital bed, barely alive with the help of the beeping machines that he was connected to. He couldn’t even see or hear us anymore. It was bizarre to witness him that way. My strong herculean father, usually full of good humor, suddenly so lifeless.

I prayed for it to be just a nightmare, that I’d wake up and he’d be his old self again. I prayed for him at least to get well long enough so I had a chance to tell him goodbye, how much I loved him, and what he means to me. It never happened, and I had to let go.

For a long time after, I couldn’t realize that he was truly gone for good. There have always been long periods throughout my life where I haven’t seen him much or at all, due to his long working hours, or the temporary separations of my parents. I kept my mind busy & continued my life as usual.

It was only many years later, when my mental health started to deteriorate, that I’ve become aware of the trauma that his loss had caused. And oh, how badly I missed him. I missed our conversations, I missed feeling his support, hearing his encouraging words, feeling the touch of his hands, being in his strong embrace. While in that darkness I tried everything to numb myself from the pain. I became desperate to find another man in my life to love me, and it almost became an obsession. In my darkest hours, I cursed God for taking him away from us, for ending the life of such a fine human way before his time.

And on all other days, I am grateful.

For one, I am thankful beyond words that life gifted me with such a wise & amazing dad. One that I’ve shared such a strong connection with and taught me to stay wild, playful & curious. I am so thankful for the way he has seen me & loved me. Not only do his words remind me of my worth when I am feeling low, but more importantly has he taught me how to treat others with love. I am thankful for how it has brought my mum, my sister & me closer together. Little did we know how comfortable & easy life has been with him. His passing has left a deep hole in our lives, and it took us some struggle to get back on our feet. But oh, how much more do we appreciate each other now. How strong these women have become without their patriarch.

Mostly, I am thankful for this rite of passage. Losing him has forced me to reevaluate my life & have a conversation with death. Seeing how precious life is, and how sudden it can end, I learn to enjoy every moment more deeply. Only I can choose how I want to live my life.
Losing him has taught me the art of letting go. Leaving what is in the past, accepting the cards I’ve been dealt with for now, and being open for all possibilities that may happen in the future.

Losing him has made me realize that it is only his physical form that is no more. His spirit still visits me in my dreams or in moments where I need him, thus I learned that no soul is ever really gone. He hasn’t really left, but continues to live through me and all the other people he has touched throughout his life. His legacy remains forever.

10 years ago, life as I knew crumbled away by the wildest tremor I’ve yet experienced. And yet, through all of it, my faith has become stronger than ever.

Some of the most majestic mountains have risen from the most tremendous tremors. When life is in upheaval & shakes you to your core, let yourself crumble, and from the fallen pieces, take only what will serve you, as we rise again.