I love my mom. How could I not? She literally gave me life, through growing me in her womb before birthing & breastfeeding me.

But loving her did not always come easy. Our relationship is the hardest and most challenging one that I’ve ever had in my life. Especially in my youth, when I was the target of her frustrations on a daily basis. Her sharp words cut me like knives, and left deep scars in my soul. I had the feeling that I had to earn her love, but whatever I did, it was never enough.

It’s not her fault though, and I don’t blame her any longer. I know she tries to be the best possible mother she can be, with all the tools & knowledge in her hands. She never had any good role models herself, as her own mother passed away very early. And so she only knows what she has learned from her elders, repeating the cycle.

My mom and I clashed in more ways than one. There was our common stubbornness, and my rebellious behavior not matching with her demands of absolute respect, discipline & obedience. Our cultural differences clashed even more. Growing up as a child in Bali, our relationship was somewhat more harmonious. But when we moved to Switzerland, my – there absolutely normal – teenage behavior of partying, drinking & getting piercings shocked her for life.

For many years, I avoided confrontations with my mum by distancing myself as much as I could from her, physically & mentally. It first started to change when my father, our rock, passed away when I was 18. And it changed even more when I had my first experience with Ayahuasca in Peru in early 2017. There, at one point, I witnessed my mother’s life from her birth to her marriage, her arrival in Switzerland, until now. I witnessed her struggle, her pain & her traumas, and the lack of support she has received. And most importantly, I realized how much she truly loves me, in her own unique way. As someone who has always felt unloved, that was a huge thing for me.

The day after the ceremony, I called her on the phone and we had the longest & most beautiful conversation we ever had in my life. I told her of the visions I had, and funny enough, as a Balinese, she didn’t find it strange at all, but understood without getting into details. From there I’ve started to come home.

Slowly I’ve made more efforts to get closer to her & understand her better. The progress comes inbabysteps. Years of trauma and mutual mistreatments can’t be overcome overnight, but we are healing, with a few fallbacks in between.

I have accepted that my mum can’t always be the mum that I want or need. She wont hold me tight & kiss my tears away. She doesn’t go to every one of my concerts to cheer from the frontrow. She’d never go on adventures with me & my dogs. And yet, I am SO glad to have her in my life, knowing she supports me in those ways that she can.

Thanks to the experience of being her daughter, I have learned independence, humilty & discipline. I have learned about forgiveness, and how to swallow my pride. And she inspires me everyday, through her incredible strength, her resilience, her organisational talent & her Balinese dance.The difficulties in our relationship have also inspired me to be an advocate for female sisterhood & mental health. It is because of our upbringing that I am determined to help break the wheel & those chains from the past, to liberate future generations from ancestral trauma.

A part of an open letter I wrote her two years ago, on Indonesian mother’s day:

“My beautiful and proud mama.
I’ve never told you enough how much I love & need you and how grateful I am for everything you have done.
What in the world would I do without you and where would I be without you?
I am so endlessly thankful that you are my Mama.
You who laid out my foundation and blessed me so much with your wonderful Balinese home and family.

I’ve said many hurtful and bad things to you and I cannot apologise enough for it. Know that I was only a child.
I just wanted you to love and accept me for who I am. Instead I was the one you poured into the unforgotten pain of your past. It had cut deep wounds into my young and fragile soul, and my response was to hurt you back. Of course it was the wrong thing to do, because it caused even more pain and suffering.

Now I am slowly growing & healing.
It takes so much time Mama, because sometimes you are still causing me to bleed.
But I will grow strong to end this vicious cycle and bring transformation and love to all of us.

I believe in us. I only need you to have faith in me, too. Let our love grow, let our name be known.

You are my goddess.”

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HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY
TO ALL THE MOTHERS ACROSS THE WORLD.

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all analog pictures on this page were taken by my late father, who passed his passion for photography down to me